Link, We Need Some New Rules if We’re Going to Keep Living Together…
10. Using the hook shot to do everything is really annoying. Just get up and get it. Our apartment isn’t that big. It takes you, like, ten minutes to get the fridge door open with that thing and then another five to snag yourself leftover poutine – and by then half the fridge is piled up next to the couch! Next time at least use your boomerang, it makes a soothing whooshing sound, not the grating “clak-clak-clak” noise.
9. Our building doesn’t allow dogs and you keep turning into that freaky wolf thing.
8. I skin my knee, come home looking for bandages to find a bottle full of fucking faeries and the first aid kit gone. Those only work on you, asshole, I can’t rub one of them on my leg to stop the bleeding. Also, put some air holes in those things. Five of those bottles I refuse to wash and if you leave them like that I think Peter Pan will murder you, or so I’ve heard.
7. Relationship problems! Tell me about it. Look, Link, we all have issues, okay, and there’s a time and a place for late-night drunken conversations about the love of your life. This Zooey, or whatever, you go on about her too much. Just because you had a frigging dream doesn’t mean you have to wake my ass up going out at 3am in the pouring rain. That’s just being a doormat. Maybe try letting her make the first step sometimes, you know? Let her come to you. Women love guys who play hard to get, not excitable wads who drop everything and rush at their beck and call. More trouble than it’s worth if you ask me, plus her ears freak me out.
6. Just walk places. Quit charging around the apartment with your sword drawn just to get to the bathroom faster or out the door in a jiffy. It shreds my garden for one. For two, you keep missing the doorway by inches and smashing your head off the frame. You can turn your feet when you run, it’s easy. You’re denting our frames and your skull. Guess which one I’m concerned about.
5. Link, I love you, but you’ve got some weird friends. Fuzzy bug creatures, creepy caterpillars… last week this giant hand just groped me straight out of nowhere, picked me up and sexually abused me all the way back to our apartment where it left me standing on the doorstep. Not to mention that asshole fish monster in our bath tub.
4. You have to warn me where you put that stupid-ass mirror. I went to shave and I was suddenly standing on a barren cliff surrounded by dark clouds and leaping tentacle-flowers. I don’t know how it works, but one time I tried to get home and it damn-well teleported me into a wall. You know what that feels like? It’s not pleasant!
3. The Triforce shines with the glow of a thousand suns, so how am I supposed to get to sleep? And don’t say you “put it away.” I see you. Every night you sneak it out once you think I’m asleep and the covers light up like the Millennial Fair in Leene Square. Paint it or put it in a box or something. Everyone’s taste differs on art and I’m liable to hurl it out the window next time it burns my retinas.
2. We live in an apartment building. Buildings have walls. The odds of a secret room being behind these walls is 0%. ZERO. We’ve looked! On one side is Mrs. Humphries and on the other side is the elevator. Please stop detonating bombs against all our interior walls.
1. All our pots, containers and house plants? Smashed! Broken! Ruined irreversibly. I know it’s you!