10 Things I’d Do With Samus’ Power Suit

samus

Like, if I bought it or something.  Or found it in my garage.

10. Swing to work: No more long walks for me.   As long as I live in the shadow of condominiums, I could use my grapple beam like Spider-Man uses webslingers – that is, to hurtle through the city 50 feet up like a really heavy bird.  Since every time Samus needs to grapple anywhere in-game a grapple station is present, I would assume the same would apply to my carousing.

9. Disguise myself as a basketball: Professional basketball players are pretty strong folk, but how hilarious would it be to watch one drop a super-dense Samus ball on his foot during practice?  They would be confused, and then after seeing my powerful energy glow would likely think they had found a magic basketball.  Then the kid from Rookie of the Year would show up and we’d all star in a movie.

8. Expose closet-case robosexuality: Every red-blooded male knows that sans suit Samus Aran is one sexy female, especially if you beat Super Metroid in under one hour.  So I’d lure some frat boy upstairs by being hyper-seductive, and then when he’s all hot ‘n… well, not heavy, by proportion… er, bothered, I’d remove my helmet and exhibit my maleness, thus making him question whether it was indeed the metal he was attracted to and if he has a weird fixation.

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7. Shoot doors to pieces: Some co-workers or whatever might try to tell me “doors do not work that way,” but I’d know otherwise.

6. Scan people to reveal their secrets: Ever had a friend who you knew wasn’t telling you something?  Curious what a jerk’s problem is?  One simple full-body scan from the X-ray Scope and you are privy to anyone’s dark secrets.  Naturally, I would use this to settle petty scores instead of doing anything of value, and if anyone complained I’d tell them about how one of their kidneys is failing or something equivalently cruel but accurate.

5. Run across Canada: In true Terry Fox spirit, I would use my power booster to run across the entire country from shore to shore.  Pretty noble, eh?  I’ve got a big heart.  Of course, starting at sea-level it wouldn’t be long before I was boring a horizontal man-sized hole straight through the country, destabilizing city infrastructure, causing small earthquakes, and brutally and un-apologetically killing anyone living in a basement.

4. Get arrested for homicide: Hey, I didn’t say wearing the suit would be a walk in the park, and could anyone blame me for trying a screw attack on my girlfriend?  Who among you would not be curious!?

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3. Hide in bus depot lockers and launch myself into people’s faces: If there’s one valuable lesson learned from Men in Black II it’s that people never expect anything totally crazy to be in a depot locker.  I’d sit there charging my charge ball ad nauseum and when a chump opened his locker –bam- right in his or her face!  Brilliant!

2. Mock people in Hawaii: Okay, so volcanoes don’t erupt every day, but I’d definitely purchase a volcano-side villa in Hawaii so that if one did I could slap on my Varia Suit and just stand there, laughing madly as locals scramble for safety.  If someone asked why I didn’t help anyone, you know, live, I would shoot them with my freeze beam and shout, “Ironic much?” before triple-jumping off them to safety.

1. Battle “Ridley”: Or barring that, take a trip to the zoo.  Elephants and giraffes aren’t exactly space-pteryodactyls… but hey, close enough.

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