Episode 3.8 – “Incidentals”
Hidey-ho readers! Your friendly neighbourhood Girls recapper is here with some sweet, sweet catch-up. If you’re wondering how I am dealing with post-Olympics withdrawal, well, I’m totally cool. I mean it wasn’t like watching Canadian women win a game for the ages made me feel invincible enough to literally bruise my hand while slamming down on a table in excitement or anything like that.
In all seriousness though, I’m kind of glad the Olympics are over. During the Games I developed a small identity crisis and evolved into a rabid sports nut that got high off of watching curling. It’s unhealthy the amount of time I’ve spent watching people ski with guns on their backs instead of watching Dance Moms. I’m happy to have my life back. I hope you are too.
Now onto Girls!
This week’ episode opens with Hannah in a restaurant waiting to interview Patti LuPone (who plays herself). In case you are a peasant, the waitress in this scene, or someone who wears backwards baseball caps, Patti LuPone is a Tony-award winning Broadway legend, and Hannah has every right to be excited about meeting her.
Meanwhile, Adam is across town at a callback, seeking reassurance from his girlfriend after he discovers that everyone at the audition looks like a handsomer (I am very surprised that spellcheck accepted this as a word) version of himself. Trying to sound confident, Adam says that he’s not there to make friends. Adam appears to have transformed into an America’s Next Top Model contestant.
A tall lumberjack figure wearing denim-on-denim then gives Adam a tip about the casting director frowning upon phone usage. Tall Lumberjack (government name: Desi) and Adam then exchange a meaningful glance. Is this a bromance forming? Is this sexual tension? Probably not sexual tension.
OR IS IT SEXUAL TENSION?
Back at the restaurant, Patti LuPone is apparently all out of fucks to give when it comes to advertorial interviews and stands up Hannah. Hannah then bravely doesn’t try to convince the waitress that she does, in fact, have super cool friends (they’re just all in Canada and named George Glass).
Back at the audition, Adam gets the part in the Broadway production of George Bernard Shaw’s Major Barbara! Hooray! We then cut to Adam in the bathroom playing an extreme version of chubby bunny with paper towel in order to drown out his screams. Funnily enough, this is also the same reaction that I have when listening to Ann Coulter.
In sexier news, Tall Lumberjack (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) also gets a part the play. Tall Lumberjack and Adam then ride off into the sunset on a bike together. This is a thing that literally happens.
Adam then probably called Hannah to tell her the bad news about him and Tall Lumberjack.
At work, Jessa is bored because she’s lacking at customers. Apparently she is so bored that she decides to engage in mannequin performance art.
Okay, home girl, you’re not on a deserted mannequin island (calling dibs on this as a band name and/or horror movie). Your problems could easily be solved by a data plan. Or a book. Or a computer. Have you BEEN to the Internet? It has cats and everything, man. It’s fuckin’ great.
While Jessa is off experimenting with Amish-ism, Hannah calls Patti’s publicist, tracks her down to where she’s rehearsing and then sweet talks her into the interview. During their sit-down, we find out that Patti is to be featured in an advertorial promoting the fictional osteoporosis drug named Strenova. The one hitch, however, is that Patti actually has the bone density of a blue whale (note: blue whales have very strong bones). Hannah sidesteps this problem by making up a scenario where Patti discovers she has osteoporosis after fracturing her ankle while walking her French bulldog. Gold star for Patti for naming the fictional dog Pippin. The only way that name could have been better is if it had been an incredibly pedestrian name such as Paul. Paul the dog. Silly dog, that’s a people name!
I… just. I’m so happy. The way Hannah handles Patti and steers her into the interview is done with such humour and resourcefulness and… I just… Hannah is seriously turning into an adult. This is not the same girl that we saw back in season one, and I am ecstatic that the writers are giving viewers the emotional payoff for sticking with this character. I can honestly say that I’m now thoroughly on Team Hannah. I like this girl. Sure, she’s still self-centered, but she’s trying, goddamn it, and for now, that’s enough for me.
Next we check in with Marnie, who is drowning her sadness in froyo. There to kick Marnie when she’s down is Soojin (Greta Lee), Booth Jonathan’s former assistant. Apparently Soojin has been keeping herself busy by opening up a gallery and being an asshole who wants attention. I say that Soojin is an asshole because she pulls the “ah, oh my god, I’m doing sooooooo poorly in all areas of my life despite actually being extremely successful and put together” shtick. We all know this person. “Ahh, where did my youth go?!” says Soojin while shaking her fist at the sky non-convincingly. Sorry darlin’, but if you’re 25 and opening up your own business in a posh part of town, your fist shaking privileges are revoked. Save that for those who are trying to invent fun new ways to fuse ketchup and ramen at the age of 35 while still living in an IKEA-laden apartment with three roommates.
Said 35-year-old captured on camera below:
Marnie is completely saddened by the interaction, and for good reason. Soojin represents the type of person Marnie would like to be at this point in her life: Someone driven, successful and above all passionate about something. Marnie is being slapped in the face with evidence of her own impotence and stagnation and it is just so goddamn sad. The show has been making Marnie into an ever-more pathetic character and I’m crossing my fingers that viewers will be getting a Hannah-like payoff in the future.
Back in Hannah’s world, we discover that Patti LuPone thinks all men have a dick passport whose visa is set to “yes, please.” Patti, having learned of Adam’s new Broadway role, warns Hannah that her man is bound to “start fucking everyone in the building,” including his fellow cast members.
I imagine Adam’s fans will think “Aggressive honesty and artistic instability?”
Back at GQ headquarters, Hannah discovers that her weekly paycheck is worth more than her rent. Googling tells me that Hannah’s Greenpoint apartment would be $1500-1800/month, so homegirl is making between ~$72000-86000 a year for writing about fake osteoporosis and Kewl Dads. AND she gets free snacks. Hannah, in the wise words of Billy Madison:
Back at the fancy baby boutique, Jessa gets a visit from her older male rehab friend Jasper (played by Richard E. Grant). While Jessa insists that she has everything together because she has some responsibility, Jasper tells her the hard truth: Having a job, eating lunch, and doing transactions every day does not an adult make. The fact that Jasper is a terrible influence on Jessa does not make his conclusion incorrect. Yes, Jessa has a job. But it’s a job that she doesn’t mind losing. Jessa isn’t trying. She’s afraid to care about anything because caring means taking on the risk of getting hurt. She was even afraid to care about rehab, because learning tools on how to beat addiction would mean trying to survive without that addiction as a crutch. It makes sense then that Jessa later steals money from the shop in order to buy more cocaine for herself and Jasper.
Theory: Jasper a figment of Jessa’s imagination. He is her Id.
Meanwhile, Marnie’s day continues to get shittier. After her depressing run-in with Soojin, our girl drops by Ray’s with a large pizza so she can engage in the fateful activity of munching and bitching. Instead of listening to her, Ray drops a bombshell: He doesn’t want to see Marnie any longer (RIP Ranie). Ray admits that this decision makes no biological sense (Marnie is a babe, he is not), but that he wants something more:
“I want a legitimate girlfriend. I want to have a relationship that’s deep, and sincere, and challenging, and scary. I want it to be real. I want to meet a girl that I have a lot in common with. And ask her out. And learn about her family on a park bench in the middle of the night [reminder of his and Shosh’s subway bench ‘I love you’s from season 2]. And if things go really well, maybe even invite her back to my place.”
Marnie’s response is an excellent “are you fucking kidding me with this deep shit?” face followed up by a “I don’t even like you” speech.
Ray’s rejection is a double whammy. Firstly, it eliminates the one person who could relate to feeling adrift after a break up from Marnie’s life; this likely makes her feel like everyone knows what they want except for her. Secondly, she has to have someone that she doesn’t think that much of tell her “no no… YOU’RE not good enough for MEEEE”. Poor Marnie.
Well girl, at least you won’t have to continue dealing with a guy constantly asking you to politely put his dick back in because he thinks it slipped out. Progress!
Downtown, Hannah has been asked to write an advertorial about The Gramercy Park Hotel. Being a good girlfriend, Hannah uses this opportunity to throw Adam a surprise party to celebrate getting a big part. Sadly, Adam also brings his new male life-mate to the party. Shosh and Elijah are particularly excited about the presence of Tall Lumberjack, as apparently he played a disabled gay hockey player on One Tree Hill.
In a particularly hilarious bit, Marnie bursts in and almost walks into a closet. Fuck that closet.
Hannah then comforts Marnie as she silently cries in her arms. The two girls come out of the washroom only to find that the living room has been transformed into an impromptu open mic night, because of course Tall Lumberjack brought his guitar to a party, because he’s that guy. Everyone is enamored with him. Hannah has the same reaction I did:
Marnie then joins Tall Lumberjack for a sing-along and they exchange e-mails. Cheating on Adam already. What a slut. Admittedly, Tall Lumberjack gives Marnie some decent advice about not calling her endeavours “attempts” because it’s self-deprecating. He then has to “really hit the trail” because his “Clementine is making paella tonight.” Okay, cool it buddy. You’re neither Bob Dylan nor a character from Kerouac’s On the Road.
The episode ends with a very sweet moment between Hannah and Adam in the tub. Hannah admits that she doesn’t want Adam to be so happy doing the play that he no longer likes their life together. She reassures Adam that despite this insecurity, “I’m so happy you’re doing what makes you happy because you’re the only person I’ve ever loved and you’re the only person I ever want to love.” Adam tells her he feels the same way. God, this was adorable. And man, did it ever make me want a soaker tub.
Overall rating: This was a great episode! I’m coming to terms with the fact that Shosh has been relegated to a bit player rather than a main character, so I won’t rag on her lack of meaningful storylines any longer.
I love that the show is testing how strong Hannah and Adam’s relationship actually is. As you may remember, in the rehab episode this season Shosh pointed out that Adam gives all of himself to Hannah. She also wondered what Hannah would have done in her period of mental unrest if her boyfriend had been an actual human being “existing in society, who had, like, a job, or responsibilities, places to be during the day, or like… a best friend.” It seems that the show is giving Adam all that it takes to become a real boy, and I’m very excited to see how this will pan out. I’m personally hoping that these two crazy kids make it.
Also, just in case you were wondering, I was wrong. Jasper is not Jessa’s Id. He totes has a conversation with Shosh. Man, I felt so deep when I typed that a few paragraphs ago.
Favourite lines: In no particular order:
Patti LuPone: “No Sam, you’ve got to hit harder throughout this entire song. You can’t just diddle around the keyboard. That’s why you’re having trouble with your girlfriend.”
Hannah, commenting on Adam’s maturity: “Is he mature? In some ways, he’s the most mature person I’ve ever met. In other ways, he has not yet been born.”
Tall Lumberjack: “Your voice is so…” Marnie: “Grating?”
Elijah, after Adam says he doesn’t need Broadway advice: “Don’t come crying to me when Kristin Chenoweth passes out because you forgot to feed her.”
Episode rating: five adult children out of five.