Welcome, readers! As you might have noticed from watching Game of Thrones, quite a few characters on the show tend to be, well… douches. The wonderful thing about the show, however, is that you never know what end of the douche-awesome spectrum each character will end up on from week to week. Dork Shelf has decided to help you keep track of where George R. R. Martin’s imagination children stand each episode with our newest feature, Douche Ranking Game of Thrones!
For these articles we’ll be employing a douche-awesome scale measured in Joffreys (because he is an irredeemable asshole) and dragons (because they are fucking awesome). Now that we’ve set the scene, let’s rank the biggest douches and badasses of Episode 4.1!
1) Poppa Lannister
Since Poppa Lannister loves being a big bag of dicks almost as much as Cersei loves a good Merlot with a woodsy flavour (I know things), season four started with him melting down the Starks’ ancestral greatsword, Ice. I admit, I was a bit surprised he didn’t keep the sword for himself—as The Hound pointed out, only “cunts” tend to have swords with names, and this seemed like a perfect fit. And what a lovely gift this would have been for his grandson! I can just picture little Joffrey running around the castle with a shit-eating grin yelling “ICE TO MEET YOU” and “LET’S KICK SOME ICE” at impoverished servants who are forced to reply “yes, your highness, your puns are inspired”.
Not content with ruining just one family, Tywin also took the time to disown Jaime because he refused to be treated as a cripple. He did let Jaime keep one of the Valyrian steel swords though, so he left a lot of asshattery untapped.
Douche Score: 17 Joffreys.
2) Jaime’s Old Hair
Next up on the douche spectrum is Jaime’s old, lustrous Disney prince tresses. In his time of hand-less need, Jaime’s beautiful blonde locks decided to up and leave. I know Jaime got dirty after fighting that bear in season three, but soap and water could have fixed that, people, there was no need to take such drastic measures to remove bear crap.
Can Jaime file for deadbeat hair benefits under some Westerosi family law rule? Can we pitch in for a legal fund to rectify this injustice??? I want someone to be held accountable for THIS:
LOOK AT IT.
It’s not even parted! Or slicked back! His new hair is just sitting there, wallowing in the depressing fact that it looks like Joffrey’s bullshit mop, wishing it could be as beautiful as Brienne’s.
Douche Score: 5 Joffreys.
Okay, Shae. We get it. You loooooove Tyrion. You loooooooove having sex with him. You want him to hold you, love you and kiss you. Wah, wah, wah, stop being so incredibly whiny.
Look, I get it. The person you love married someone else and the two are expected to not only sleep in the same room, but also bear children. You’re seeing your paramour caress another person whom you can’t even hate because they’re so pitiable. I. Get. It. But you know what? I got it last season, and I surprisingly was able to overcome that bout of amnesia you think I had and I still know that you’re unhappy.
Your whining is excessive and most of all unproductive. Not cool with Tyrion not having enough time or energy to sleep with you? Why don’t you offer to help him not get murdered by his nephew? Why don’t you keep your voice down so that Cersei’s handmaiden doesn’t overhear you and put both you and your lover in danger? WHY SHAE, WHY?
Douche Score: 8 Joffreys.
Do I even need to state why Arya was such a badass this episode? Homegirl proved that while Sean Bean, Knobb, and Momma Catelyn might be dead, but the Stark spirit isn’t. Sure, Arya’s so psychologically damaged that she’s become an empty shell that only cold, calculating murder can fill, but let’s focus on how fucking cool it was for the pint-sized hero to get a win after so much tragedy.
I mean she nabbed a horse and zinged a baddie before killing them in a way that was better than anything I could have ever come up with on the fly.
My go to would have probably just been “You look like a pincushion… let me put my Needle in you… get it? Because I named my tiny sword Need… ugh just die already douchebag.”
So tip of the hat to Arya. May she ride her horse alongside her new bestie for as long as that cold-blooded monster George R. R. Martin will allow her to.
Dragon score: 56
2) Oberyn Martell
Well, well, well, look what the heavily accented, pansexual cat dragged in.
Sexy Inigo Montoya’s in town ladies and gentlemen, and he’s out for some boobs and peen… and also delicious, bloody revenge.
Why is this character so fucking awesome?
Well, first of all, he’s from Dorne, which (despite what the Lannisters think) is one of the coolest kingdoms in Westeros. In the Martells’ homeland, women have equal rights to men and can be queens in their own right, without having to wait for their poor brothers to die off first (covered in molten gold, killed by Filch to a super creepy soundtrack, whatever tickles your fancy). Women can be lords, can have armies, and—super fucking weird—they can choose who they marry (why has Cersei not applied for her visa yet?). On top of this feminism awesomeness, sexuality is a free-for-all, and bastards can hang around with princes no problem.
Oberyn seems to have all of Dorne’s kick-ass values, not hesitating to stop a three–quad?–some in order to shut down some xenophobic Lannister bullshit. Oberyn also doesn’t seem to fuck around when it comes to knives, aim, and being up front about his murder plans. I like a man who is straight forward, Oberyn. Consider me intrigued. Also very into the way you roll your r’s.
Hum me to sleep, baby.
Dragon score: 43
3) Sight gags
Dragon score: the teeny bit of lamb carcass left in between a dragon’s teeth.
When Skyrim was released, we learned that you can’t just use your FUS-ROH-DAH dragon shout on a poor, defenseless chicken and expect to get away with it. That chicken will be avenged, and you and your poor hernia-suffering companion will pay in blood.
Where do chickens go from there? How do you make the sight of a chicken more flinch-worthy? Do you make them wear little Mexican wrestler masks? Do you breed them with bears to create an all-powerful hybrid?
This episode showed us that there are few things in life you should be afraid of more than a gigantic man intermingling death threats and the words “cunt” and “chicken” in the same conversation.
Dragon rating: 56777
Well, that’s a wrap for our first douche-ranking instalment everyone! We’ll be back next week with more gifs, more dragons, and sadly, more Joffrey (ugh).