“People Persons” features the guards trying to figure out what to do about the bodies at Litchfield—both living and dead.

Don’t Panic

“A killer is not on the loose, a killer is in prison.” — Joe Caputo

The alarn is sounded after the construction crew unearths the murdered guard. Piper and Blanca are taken down from their stand on the cafeteria table, and everyone is sent back to their bunks.

Red instructs Piper and Alex to shut the fuck up and go the fuck back to their bunks and await fucking further instruction—she can’t have them looking shaken up.  Not all have such a cool and calm demeanor; when Healy hears the grisly news he’s quick to put the pieces together and realize Lolly’s confession was genuine. He directly exits the building, opting for a King Kone and ignoring his phone.

There’s an emergency meeting that Healy blows off and wherein the guards are like “WTF how did you not notice there was a guard missing this whole time?” Not to blow my own horn, but I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS THE WHOLE DAMN SEASON.

Caputo is unequivocal that there is to be a measured response to this unprecedented situation. The inmates are not to be questioned or interrogated. There will be no cowboy shit, and no overreacting. Moments after he steps out, Piscatella goes against every single one of Caputo’s orders. Coates is sent to “guard the crime scene” at night and alone as punishment for pointing how super crazy not cool this is.

Life’s A Bitch

“I don’t feel bad for them bitches.” — Cindy Tova Hayes

Luschek is sent to guard Judy King, who by the by, was a total fucking dick at movie night when she decided to run away from the fight that was happening between the white and black women. Cindy calls her out on this, and despite the fact that their lesbian relationship is false—it looks like King’s friendship is as well.

King is very excited this position fell into Luschek’s lap, and anxiously awaits what else might find it’s way to his crotch (I’m thinking one of her orifices). Yoga’s got noise cancelling earphones Judy orders her to put on. Luschek marvels at this, “You totally made Yoga Jones you’re bitch” but what he don’t realize is that Yoga’s not the only one who is her bitch.

Luschek tries to deny King’s advances, but she doesn’t exactly have to twist his arm when Molly is introduced into the situation, “SHIT. Fine.” Not much longer after rolling and under the calculated guidance of Ms. King, they all have a MFF three-way, “I really shoulda seen this coming,” Joel relents.

“Maybe she’s just a bitch.” — Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson

Before Suzanne was sentenced to her time, she was Employee of The Month at the Super Emporium. She was a contributing member of society—but always vulnerable. When her adoptive sister leaves Suzanne alone so she can go on a sleep away with boyfriend Brad, its all fun and video games when Suzanne brings a one of the customer’s children home with her. She doesn’t want to be alone. When he tries to leave and calls 911 Suzanne’s misguided attempt to teach the young Dylan about friendship turns fatal, and he falls from her fifth or sixth story fire escape.

An Important Night

“It’s gonna be quite a night huh guys?” – Baxter Bayley

Red and Frieda prep Piper and about the next steps. They predict Frieda will chosen because of her record: four murders in one year, “That was a crazy year.” They are absolutely explicit to—under no circumstances—speak with Lolly.

They are all surprised when Red, Maureen, and the snorer get chosen from “The Suburbs.” Frieda is particularly offended she wasn’t selected, “I killed a cop with his own gun. Wait; did I get caught for that? I’m gettin’ old.” Over in “The Ghetto” CO “I can talk to black people because I’m from Memphis,” summons Suzanne to be questioned by Piscatella.

Why does he choose Suzanne? Is it because her mind is one call feeble?

Despite the fact that he’s not been appointed a job, Bayley stays at the prison. He thinks it’s “an important night in the history of the prison” and really, he’s not wrong.  Bayley visits Coates out near the cornfield that’s freaking him out. He brings him a copy of Stephen King’s It, which would be everyone’s last choice of reading material in this kind of situation.

Penn sees Nicky and helps her through her withdrawal from heroin. “You are really good at lying to yourself,” she says, and compares her to a friend she once has who had them all convinced she was going to go to Chicago and be on the Oprah show—even after she quit.

Pennsatucky and Nichols were never particularly friends, but Penn takes the time to help Nicky through this time. Maybe it’s because she too was a junkie once. Whatever the reason, it’s obvious that Penn’s time behind bars has made her a better, more caring individual.

“Are you really good at being in denial?” —Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Dogget

Caputo meets with Josh From PR at MCC who is going to make sure “everything matches their records” about this incident aka: MCC is going to do everything possible to cover their own asses. Linda From Purchasing makes sure that Caputo doesn’t go back to the prison because, EW! Caputo realizes she has never actually been inside the walls of any prison. That’s fucked up. She makes key decision about the day-to-day life of the inmates and she’s never actually stepped foot in the facility she controls?

For Your Amusement

“We are here for one another’s amusement.” — Judy King

 “I’m enjoying the ambience. So stark. Like I’m back in the Kremlin.” Red plays it smart during her interrogation with Piscatella. He finds it hard to believe she wouldn’t know what was happening in her very own garden, and she you know, did have like five bodies in her freezer for which she was arrested. Red’s unfazed by his intimidation tactics, but all of her cool ways won’t save her from the dead man’s keys that were discovered in her office.

Taystee wants to know where Suzanne is and asks Dixon for an ETA on her return. Dixon smashes the watch given to her by Caputo so that this “jigaboo” won’t have to worry about what time it is.

“I hate them and they hate me.” — Desi Piscatella

Humphrey’s bored and tries to get Suzanne and White Power leader Kasey Sankey to fight. Sankey won’t do it, but Maureen volunteers. Of course she does because she’s batshit-fucking crazy. She antagonizes Suzanne, a woman with a tender relationship to losing her temper. Suzanne retaliates and beats on Maureen. Bayley watches in horror. But then again—he does nothing to stop it; it’s the Dominican girls who break up the fight.

“Like so sad it’s almost supernatural.” — Baxter Bailey

There are quite a few close calls in this episode: Healy almost kills himself, Alex is on the verge of admitted to the crime, and Lolly still believes she can almost go back in time.

Healy really thought he was helping Lolly, but after his phone rings when he’s chest deep into the lake, he gets back to the prison to turn her over. Lolly asks Alex if it really happened, and Alex tells her that yes she did kill the guard, but it was to save Alex. Lolly is a good person suffering from mental illness, and even though she’s taken to Psyche for her crime, she never gives away her accomplice.

Out In The Yard

I hate Piscatella. I fucking hate him. He is by and far the worst villain we’ve seen stalk the halls of Litchfield. More malicious than Pornstache, Vee, and Fig put together.

It looks like Burset’s going to be released from the SHU soon, and thank god. With Danny and Crystal Burset in possession of the photo of Sophia, at least there’s one fucking good thing happening in this episode.