“Friends In Low Places” is an episode filled with regrets and apologies. Some made stupid mistakes like a show where puppets said words like “jigaboo” others made more serious infractions like rape and murder. Others simply lived without thought or care for the others around them.
Some aren’t sorry at all.
“It was the 80’s. Everyone was a moron in the 80’s.” — Judy King
Piper waits in line for the phone, but who does she really have left to call? Her best friend has made off with her fiancé; her parents are WASPS who have basically neglected her during her time in the slammer… But she can still call brother Cal. Who is having a baby, which is very exciting if not a little terrifying considering he and his fiancé are a little, well, different.
Piper realizes as he goes on about the instrument choices for the potential sexes for the babies, that she cannot put all of her shit onto him. He has a life and she can’t be there to drag him down. She’s encouraging and even sweet as she chokes backs her tears.
Nichols is looking for a fix, sexual and otherwise. She seduces Morello, sorry, Mrs. Muccio and plants a seed in Lorna’s mind— her husband is probably cheating on her any way. Muccio goes to her sister and asks her to go spy on her new man. Her sister is hesitant to help, given that Lorna’s in the slammer for her stalking in the first place. Lorna begs her sis to please help: Vinny rarely visits, they barely speak on the phone, and he’s family after all. To say the least, it’ll be interested to learn out what Vincent Muccio’s life is like.
“Lesson Number One: Don’t do crime because prison is unpleasant.” — Piscatella
The entire Whispers crew has been replaces because of the panty pinching (Thanks Piper!). The inmates are introduced to their new payment free duty of enrichment class Construction: 101. Super handsome Mr. MacDonald is the only perk of the job, and other that his pretty face and super hot bod Mr. Mac’s safety training is somewhat lacking, “Practice and common sense.”
I just have to take a moment to say that between hug-police-shows-his-balls-to-people-Dixon ogling the women in the shower, Humphrey’s racists bullshit, McCullough’s incompetence, Coates raping, and the general disdain many of the guards have for the inmates—there is but one shining light in all the guards at Litchfield. This one gold star employee is none other than Baxter Bayley. Even though he did smuggle out dirty panties, Bayley has never once intentionally mistreated an inmate, is always kind and courteous, and whatever his retro radio podcast impression was this episode—it was fucking hilarious.
“You got make believe on your mind.” — Dayanara Diaz
The machinery breaks down and all are forced to shovel out the earth to make way for some kind of new dome. Well, not all do the grunt work, Boo pretends she knows how to fix the engine, and Penn is her make-believe apprentice.
Highs and Lows
Some do know what they’re doing, including Ruiz. When Maritza is almost caught retrieving drugs from the wheel well of the prison van, she tries to resign her position, but Ruiz won’t be having it. Ruiz has set up shop in the beauty salon; Maritza isn’t the only one unhappy about it. Aleida’s been practicing her manicurist expertise, and is aghast to see what Ruiz is doing. She takes her tools and leaves. I for one am proud of Aleida for turning a new leaf, and although Daya is first to put her down, so is her daughter.
Nichols tries to fuck Alex, but settles on just smoking crack with her. Piper joins them and shares the fact that she was branded with them. Alex comes clean about the fact she murdered a man, all the while Nichols golf ball sized eyes look as though they are about the pop out of her head.
The Friendly Racist
“It’s racist to think black people are going to beat you up for being racist.” — Poussey Washington
Judy King is sick and tired of being followed around by the guards for her own protection, and is really getting sick and tired of Holier-Than-Though Yoga Jones eating her eggs and telling her what’s-what.
King goes to Poussey in an attempt to parle with the black girls she hangs out with, whom Judy sees as a threat. Poussey sets the record straight no one is going to beat her up for the “Chitlin’ Gate” controversy—although she would deserve it.
Judy King apologizes for ever making her racist puppet show, “I did a lot of blow in the 80’s” she confesses, and although it kept her skinny and awake it was not great for her cultural sensitivity, bank account, not her gemological health. She confronts the idea that she may in fact be racist, but is just too dumb to know it, but she is the friendliest racist you’d ever want to meet.
After some investigation, Poussey sets the record straight with Judy that all Cindy, Allison, and Suzanne want is a photo with the lifestyle guru. Judy literally kisses and makes up with Cindy and Poussey gets it all on camera.
“She tastes like strawberries.” — Cindy Tova Hayes
Regrets, I’ve Had A Few
Not all of the racists are quite so friendly at Litchfield. Skinhead Helen, for example. When the chain gang starts discussing what they’d so if they were to go back in time, Penn raises the idea that she’d kill baby Hitler. Helen, on the other hand, would help the 3rd Reich rise to power.
Speaking of evil institutions, Linda From Purchasing comes over to Joe’s for pasta. Caputo is still angry that his enrichment classes program basically turned into an indentured servitude situation, and he blames Linda and MCC for it. Linda From Purchasing tells Caputo to stop lumping her in the corporation—they both work for—and just fucking relax already.
But how can he relax with Crystal Burset knocking on his door? MCC is hiding behind their corporate status to deny her Freedom to Information Request and she has no idea where her wife Sophia Burset is—even if she’s still alive. It’s obvious that Caputo feels guilty and must regret sending Burset to the SHU. That is until Linda comes out with a “registered gun” and threatens to shoot Crystal if she doesn’t leave.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” — Crystal Burset
Instead of turning Caputo off to Linda, it turns him on and they go at it.
Coates apologizes to Penn for raping her. He may have made a joke about missing a Judas Priest concert, but his real regret is the time he forced himself on her. “I did what I did,” he admits. If he could go back and they did have a first time, he would have treated her like a person, not a dog or an object. He would have said, “I love you” softer. He wishes he wasn’t so mad.
“I’m sorry Dogget.” He says to Tiffany, “Thank you for saying that,” she answers before walking away.
Charlie Coates isn’t the only one with some apologies. In her crack-fueled stupor, Piper came to the realization that she was trying to “win prison.” That her actions, like in the past, have always gone too far.
After seeing the Swastika on her arm, Red fixes the shape. Piper cries out as Alex and Norma hold her still. “I’m so sorry,” Piper Chapman seems to have finally learned her lesson and her Nazi armband is turned into a simple square.
“When god give you a Swastika, he opens a window. And then you remember there is no god.” —Galina “Red” Reznikov
Out In The Yard
Red knows why her mirror disappeared and why it is now in the possession of Blanca “The Mammal” Flores. She realized that Nichols is back on drugs. Hopefully Nichols makes it through and doesn’t keep going on with the idea that smoking small amounts is actually good for you.
I feel so bad for Red’s top bunkmate, the snorer. She looks so fucking terrified all the time.