We all remember those halcyon days spent playing the Squaresoft classic Chrono Trigger on our Super Nintendos, and so to does the executive board of Kobayashi-Nielson Enterprises. It was with that nostalgia in mind that the controversial weapons manufacturer announced plans to open a Chrono Trigger Theme Park in 2003. What better way for an evil megacorporation to further their own nefarious ends than by exploiting the memories (and wallets) of innocent gamers everywhere! Presenting the top ten reasons supporting a Chrono Trigger Theme Park!
10. It Trumps the Shit Out of Jurassic Park
We can all agree dinosaurs are awesome, but dinosaurs are only one-sixth of what Chrono Park has to offer. Six distinct pasts and futures are at the disposal of patrons of all ages. Like fantasy? 600ad. Science fiction? 2300ad. The theme park exists in all space and time! It is and will always be – but at a flat rate. Unlike Jurassic Park’s elitism and intense danger issues, Chrono Park is open to anyone – from any time – and has moderately less danger issues. There might be a waiver. We hired a bunch of Rollypolys as security guards, okay? What more do you want. The Steam Dragon alone is worth the price of admission, having a head, a wheel and a backside, easily matching the T-Rex for ferocity and ability to make little girls scream. A full 50% of the creatures you’ll find within the gates can open doors. Game, set, match.
9. The Park Funds Itself Via Crooked Court Scheme
Upon leaving, each park attendee will be physically forced into a courtroom to await a rigid adjudication on the virtue of their morality over the duration of their stay. Witnesses will be brought forth, vouching for the defendant’s civlitity or accusing them of improper conduct. A Park-chosen jury will decide if each attendee is innocent or guilty of deviant behavior, and, for some reason, kidnapping. Regardless of the outcome, you are thrown in a cell. Chrono Park then reaps the monetary reward of the legal fees and collects on all fines and bail. At this point in the proceedings Chrono Park no longer has any legal responsibility with regards to the incarcerated. Thus, Chrono Park proudly boasts it is an entirely self-sufficient theme park – a major selling point to the politically-minded and fans of sustainability. “It’s basically a money solar panel,” says Dr. Elisa Truton. From her cell.
8. The Meta Experience of a Festival Within a Festival
One section of Chrono Park will be designated entirely for the Millenial Fair, featuring the likes of Norstein Bekker’s Lab, a guy who guzzles “soda pop” and a perpetual short-track running race featuring a cat, a lizard, a suit of armour and a deserter who calls himself “G.I. Jogger.” Everything in this part of the park doesn’t really work. Your silver points are fake, the people just say the same thing over and over, and park-goers are encouraged to wander aimlessly, avoid princesses and take hallucinagenic drugs to appreciate the thick layers of irony: you are in the theme park section of the park. Before you can leave, however, instead of a terrible teleportation show, attendees will witness a play by Samuel Beckett performed by floating eyeballs and Sir Krawlie – just to F with you on a new level.
7. Promotes Teamwork
Let’s face it, if you’re a desperate enough parent to bring your kids to an amusement park, it is probably because actual family bonding has failed. Yeah, I’m talking about that paddle-boat ride fiasco. Or that time at the Comfort Inn. With this in mind, Chrono Park has been designed to promote cooperation between squabbling siblings and grouchy parentals. Once upon the grounds kin will find themselves imbued with dual and triple tech abilities, unlocked if each member hangs out together long enough and purchases enough cotton candy with another. Brother and sister can now team up to X-Strike mom and dad should they disagree on just how much fudge is enough. If this seems discouraging to parents, just remember: you’ve got dual and triple techs too. You can mend your marriage while blasting your brat kids with Antipode 2. Naturally, if one family member (like, say, an aunt) is particularly infuriating – triple tech Dark Eternal. That’s a whole universe of darkness going on.
6. Frog’s Theme Would Inspire Epic Acts of Heroism From Otherwise Average Citizens
Even the most sterling men of cast iron wills, I’ll-cut-you attitudes and katanas for spines still get a little wet around the eyes when Frog finally hefts the Masamune and cleaves the cliff wall in half. Knowing this, it is not a far stretch that the passion of that moment – both the power of Frog’s redemption and the breathtaking MIDI – would flood over anyone worth a damn causing them to perform incredible acts of bravery and valor when played over the park PA system. This might include saving someone’s baby from a Golem Boss or saving someone’s Golem Boss from a Blackbird-themed Drop Zone. Or maybe saving Lucca from her own haircut. Additionally, on long weekends, Chrono Park will pump this theme 24/7, ensuring that all customers engage in epic acts of bravery at all times.
5. It Would Spawn a Multi-billion Dollar Movie Franchise a la Pirates of the Caribbean
Keep your eyes peeled for Chrono Trigger: The Curse of the Black Omen starring Steven Weber, Jenna Elfman and Andy Serkis as ‘Ozzie.’
4. Jet Bike Race Course
As thrilling a race as it was in the game, the Chrono Park team has put the jet bike race vs “Johnny” into full effect, allowing you to race the slick transformer along a really, really long straight track of roadway. It crosses multiple municipalities. The objective is to smash repeatedly into each other with the occasional nitro thrown in. The ride was designed keeping in mind the fact that the original race broke into “the third dimension” and top engineers and robots have already reported taking the ride to the “sixth” dimension, allegedly a temporal zone of time and energy created by Magus to “fun up” his castle. Problems arose during construction when incredibly poor pixcelation caused many workers to misconstrew the track blue prints, building the road so it veered into the sky making a literal translation of Johnny’s catch-all line “We’ll ride the wind, babe,” but since it fell into adjudication in Chrono Park’s own Exit Court the course is inexplicably open for business.
3. Lavos Koosh Balls are Only $4.99
Only mildly making young boys afraid of vaginas for the rest of their lives.
2. Annoying Patrons Sent to Apocalypse 1999 AD
Everyone makes the mistake of time traveling to 1999 AD, the day of the Lavos apocalypse, at one point or other. That’s why the good people at Chrono Park put up signs. Regardless, this time flow problem can actually be useful. Security bring any rabble-rousers to the telepods, creating the grim but always exciting spectacle of ‘gentle’ capital punishment (the gentle part being that the brutal death is in another era altogether, where – who knows – capital punishment may actually be legal) When questioned about the morality of such a disturbing use of the park’s main attractions – the time gates, not Gato – representative Hank Artle replied, “Our statistics show that this is only the third highest cause of death in this theme park. Where is all this outrage coming from?” When probed further he admitted the second-highest was the koosh balls, while the deadliest was the arsenic kiosk. “And let me tell you, that was originally a Booster Juice,” stated Mr. Artle.
1. Kids Can Earn Silver Points Galore Bathing in Gato’s Blood
“I am Gato / I have metal joints / Beat me up / And earn 15 silver points!” sings a metal robot near the park entrance. It is designed to look and act just like Gato from the Millenial Fair. Sounds like fun. Absolutely, but be ready for a really long line. Everyone loves beating the shit out of Gato! Whether you’re from the area or a tourist from up north. An excited kid eagerly awaiting his first attack at Gato’s shins or a wiley veteran father whose fists have pulverized many a Gato face. Old, young, fat, thin – when you see Gato you will be overtaken with a feral bloodlust that hits you ike a stroke: you must beat the shit out of that giant singing robot! Silver points became so plentiful they lost their value due to inflation years ago. No one wants them. No one ever did. Destroying Gato was getting so popular Chrono Park had to cap user admission to only 10 people at a time. While Gato still barely manages the first line of his song before he is set upon by a feverish mob of screaming ludites, such restrictions have forced patrons into other areas in the park, including the extremely expensive time gate machines. Had Chrono Park realized from the get-go that people would pay $44 admission just to rip a giant, friendly robot to shreads with their bare, bleeding fingernails, they may have foregone the rest of the park. Talks of a Gato-world springing up next door to Chrono Park played out for a while until the public got wind of it and went ape, assaulting executives and defacing the main offices in what can only be decribed as a particularly violent example of Gato-hatred run-off. One chunk of Gato ligament on eBay has been confirmed as real and is currently at an asking price of $36,000 as there is something left inside of it to kill.
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