I’ll be honest folks, “No Future in the Past” is trying to cram a whole hell of a lot of plot and content into one episode. There’s a very important vision quest, but the exact implications of said visions are not entirely clear. We are not given the exact MO of a couple relationships, and there is a baby shower that goes exactly nowhere. But as they say, those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat it, and so we are at the third last episode of the season getting history lessons leading to a very complicated future.

Testing. Testing.

“The Earp sisters will be reunited before sundown.” — Juan “Cryptic AF” Carlos

Waverly’s childhood sounds pretty fucking shitty. Like she complained a lot before about Willow being a real see you next Tuesday when she was growing up, but that mostly just sounded like normal sister dynamics. But a flashback to the past when Willow threw her seven or eight-year-old sister’s plush bunny on to what she knew was thin ice. She wasn’t just a run-of-the-mill mean older sister she was straight up homicidal. On top of that, nobody celebrated Waverly birthday?! WTF

Wynonna listens to her Waves tell the story of her almost drowning apparently never having heard it before. Waverly tells her it was she who saved her by pulling her out of the ice, which is not entirely true, but not entirely false either.

Wynonna is still dealing with the fact she is actually going to have a baby, with the added bonus that it might be a demon hybrid. Her gynecologist freaks her the fuck out by trying to show her a pic of her bae, which most people get all excited about but Wynonna would rather makes jokes and run away practically screaming. Dolls is the only one here trying to practical by taking her to said doc appointment, but he looses track of her when she’s kidnapped (or momnapped) by Juan Carlos leaving behind a patch of blood and some preggo pamphlets.

Waverly’s been on edge about test results herself, revealing to Nicole she sent away for her DNA test. The results were supposed to come in the mail to the Police Station, because sending them to the Homestead might make things a wee bit awkward.

Speaking of awkward, Rosita and Doc aren’t just banging casual style, but it looks like they are trying for a monogo type sitch. Obvs this is a lil strained considering Doc is expecting or may not be expecting a baby with Wynonna. Rosita’s pretty cool though, and decides to throw a surprise shower for her lover’s poss baby mama.

Vision Quest

“Am I a ghost?” — Wynonna “David Goes To The Dentist Moment” Earp

Juan Carlos has a surprise of his own for Wynonna, and after she punches him in the face (hence the blood) he’s got her lined up for a good ol’fashioned vision quest. Instead of eating some spicy AF chili she’s sent into an old chapel where she says some magic words while standing on a pentagram. You know, just like normals do.

Wynonna is sent to the past, to days before Doc was sent down the well if immortality and we see a mousy man trying to convince him to leave his card game and liver drowning ways to come and join Wyatt Earp. This man’s name is Robert, but we all know him as Bobo.

The vision quest serves five purposes: 1) To establish the ring from the Stone Witch is the final seal; 2) To give us the genesis of the curse as one Clootie, evil husband to Constance and those Victorian bitches; 3) Witches really get attached to their dead children’s bones; 4) Bobo was the first Revenant to be created by the curse after he used himself as a human shield and was shot by Wyatt Earp, and; 5) It was Wynonna who instilled the idea into Bobo’s mind that he must look out for and protect one named Waverly.

Good Men

“Neutral men are the devil’s allies” — Agent “Future Mr. Earp” Dolls
“Uh,  fuck you bro.” — Switzerland

Dolls has tracked down Juan Carlos who lets her know his GF (!) is kinda in the MIDDLE OF SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, and she literally needs space. The man smells like Amaretto, but it’s actually gangrene that can even kill peeps with immortality, so there’s really very little time for Dolls to fight eh Victorian witches in the forest.

Lucky for Dolls the venom of the sisters doesn’t last very long and he’s also kind of a demon so he can break free of it, just in time to mercy kill the half eaten JC and get into the other JC’s house to try and save Wynonna. The two evil sisters are like fuck this shit, let’s burn this mother down.

Speaking of flaring up, Waverly is understandably upset when she finds that Haught’s already opened her DNA results and has been hiding it — I will say not very well at all in her open purse and shit — from her girlfriend.  We don’t see what the exact results are –BUT I’m pretty sure there’s no testing for demon shit, it would just be if she’s exactly related to Wynonna or not. She reads the results in front of the body of water where she nearly drowned, and a flashback sequence shows us it was Bobo who saved her. Perhaps it’s even the one who sired her?

Birth Right

So, we have a mother who doesn’t want to have a baby, a baby who wants her mother to be her actual birth mother, and curse that makes birthing order very important for the vanquishing of evil demons. For a moment Wynonna is dead, and as Dolls caresses her in bed (WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS BECOME OFFISH?)

Wynonna takes a pause—an Earp heir dead for a moment’s time? What might that mean

Bobo pops outta the snow, and we are to understand there is very literally hell to be paid. 

Out On Ghost River

You Had One Job — I love how Juan Carlos tells Wynonna as long as she has Peacemaker by her side she will be fine and as soon as she enters the vision quest she FORGETS IT IN THE CHAPEL.

Genetic Testing — So… I’m not a doctor but all that these genetic tests can prove is if it’s a human and if one is related to another right? Like am I missing some biology class where there are special tests which determine the paranormal parentage of a child

Where’s Wyatt? — Interesting that he’s always mentioned but hardly ever seen.