G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’s Cobra Commander Fails

Cobra Commander as he appeared in the 1980's G.I. Joe cartoon and comic books.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra comes out this summer from director Stephen Sommers. Sommers; creator of such cinematic gems as Deep Rising, The Mummy 1 & 2 and Van Helsing, has resurrected 60’s action figure and 80’s cartoon G.I. Joe as a summer blockbuster in the mold of these films. By in the mold of these films, I mean to say G.I. Joe will be terrible.

“Why won’t you give this movie a chance Will?”, you ask.

Instead of justifying that question with an answer, I will post my response as a picture after the jump.

I’m not saying that the original G.I. Joe cartoon or comic books were without fault—quite the contrary—they were hilariously jingoistic, warmongering and juvenile.  But man, the Joes could blow shit up and fire thousands of rounds of ammunition at Cobra without actually killing or wounding anything with the best of them! That has to count for something.


The action figure for Cobra Commander from the upcoming G.I. Joe film.  Also known as a Stephen Sommers abortion.

At least the original Cobra Commander looked semi-badass in both his forms: one with a hood and the other with a silver faceplate.  Cobra Commander’s iteration in the upcoming Stephen Sommers movie is just laughable as we can see in this leaked action figure photo. He looks like Skeletor from the 1980’s live-action He-Man movie starring Dolph Lundgren. Utterly horrible design, and yet another reason I won’t see G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra this summer or ever.  Really? Rise of this guy?!  Whoa, I just shit my pants.