I once read a study that suggested happy married couples aren’t totally happy because of the person they married, they’re happy with the idea of the person they married. To a certain point, these blissful duos had to part with reality to construct a slightly fictional construct of the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life in order to get through the marriage—and one wonders if just to get through the day.
Whether you think this applies to you or not, we all tell ourselves lies. About ourselves, our spouses, our bosses, everyone fibs just a little to create their personal realities.
“(Don’t) Say Anything” is all about the truth, or in some cases, lack of it. Whether it’s between lovers or friends communication is key for our cast of incarcerated characters.
“ I give very good phone.” —Lorna Muccio (Morello)
Lorna’s sex life with her husband has only physically manifested in one riotous fuck right up against the soda machines on their honeymoon, but that doesn’t mean Mrs. Muccio is going to let the magic die. She’s going to make that collect call and weave her wicked tongue until he whittles his wang down to a toothpick. But there’s one problem — his “roommates” are his parents. Understandably, he doesn’t want them to overhear his audible trysts.
But she doesn’t care that he lives with his parents, because of course she doesn’t. Lorna is a fountain of love and affection and if they can’t get one another off while his folks are in the vicinity then they are going to talk-fuck the shit out of each other right there in the middle of the visitation room.
“Let your mirth fly free.” — Judy King
Shaw Shank Taystee gets a promotion from Caputo to work as his assistant, although she is somewhat hesitant about the position, “I don’t want to go to Seg ‘cause I did your taxes too good.” Caputo assures his candidate—whom he picks because he doesn’t want to fuck her—that she’ll be just fine.
Things are a little rough at first, with what appears to be Taystee’s development of a multiple personality disorder, her questionable ability with the phone, and her ineptitude at taking down the names of who may or may not have called to leave a message. However, she is an asset to Caputo when she unknowingly plays matchmaker between he and Linda From Purchasing. The two “make a date” whatever that might mean.
On their “date” they run into Donaldson, as you remember the hard-ass CO who had enough with MCC’s bullshit. He’s working as a bus boy and Caputo tries to slip him some guilt money. Donaldson is insulted and of confronts his ex-boss lecturing him about honour and duty. However, Caputo makes a good point that Donaldson and his fellow guards walked out during the worst time possible.
Linda From Purchasing looks as though she may need to expense some new panties given her expression suggests the pair she is currently wearing might be soaked through.
A Truth and A Lie
Piscatella militantly enforces an icebreaker, One Truth And A Lie, but it appears that Soso might be one with more lies than most.
We know Soso is a talker and for some it’s endearing, to others is annoying. However, what we learn in a flashback scene from her past as a social justice warrior (well, she was just boycotting a Wal-Mart) she goes to the door of a man who is on the sexual offenders list. What she learns is this man was social stigmatize and legally prosecuted simply because he was having consensual sex with a consenting adult in a public place.
When she goes back to her ex-boyfriend bet maker she has the chance to set the record straight, but instead she sticks with the sordid tale of the creepy sexual predator.
What does that have to do with her now? He pocket sized girlfriend Poussey keeps acting like a bumbling idiot every time she sees latest inmate and Southern Martha Stewart-esque lifestyle host. Soso approaches Judy King and explains that Poussey is simply acting that way because she is black and poor — the child of a crack whore.
We know this is not true—Poussey was an army brat with extensive education. Of course, when Poussey finds out she’s hurt and upset.
Soso does a kind of “Say Anything” moment with Poussey. Less romantic with Eminem, but she gets her point across. Poussey forgives her and starts from the beginning of her story. It looks like these kids are going to make it after all.
Do Not Say Anything
“Maybe we should fertilize our women too.”— Sam “OMG I Wish He Would Shut Up” Healy
Healy takes his new Judy beauty out for a walk in the gardens and introduces her to Red. Even though they share similarities such as red hair, accents, and the creepy affections of their social worker, Red does not like the new cook in the kitchen.
Red puts eye drops in King’s food to make sure that she has to drop her trousers in the newly installed porta-potty.
Other things seem to be going to shit, including the dirty panty business. Piper might have a new — and super adorable—business associate, but inmates like Yoga Jones are dropping out of the panty smuggling because of Piper’s pompous posturing.
Although they are not speaking, Alex is also having a hard time keeping her partners in crime in line. Well, just the one. Lolly’s more-or-less unhinged and not the best person to have had murdered someone with. Alex tries to give her mantra wherein they are not at fault, but the words get jumbled in poor Lolly’s brain. When Lolly spots a drone hovering over the garden (“Like we some Iraqi wedding” ha!) and this sends her acronymic paranoia into over drive—is it CIA? NSA? FBI?
Her response is to unearth the dismembered body parts from their resting places in the vegetable garden. Frieda will be having none of this so she decides she’s going to have to kill Lolly — for her own sake and Alex’s of course.
Will Lolly be soon to be sleeping with the heirloom tomatoes?
Out In The Yard
Judy King might be the queen of all that is lifestyle, but I would love to hear more of Pennsatucky’s home decorating tips, especially if they are in the same vein as taking her x-rays and using them as art pieces.
Piper’s jefe position seems to be short lives against the formidable Ruiz. It seems destiny to me that Piper’s skinny white ass is going to get physically kicked sometime in the near future.
Can a Kickstarter for Burset get her out of the SHU? I don’t think so. But then again, I don’t even have faith Kickstarter will finally bring a taco truck to my neighbourhood.