This week True Blood season four continues to bring on the drama in ‘You Smell Like Dinner’, which makes for a great episode title and hopefully an effective pick-up line once I’ve launched my line of bacon scented perfume.
Eric is now the owner of Sookie’s house and offers to become her owner as well (every girl’s dream), claiming that it’s only a matter of time before other vampires find out she’s a delicious half fairy and that she’ll need protection. Insulted, Sookie brushes him off asking, “Do you think my legs are just going to magically open for you?” Knowing Eric, he probably did think that and knowing the series, they likely will at some point. Naturally, Pam takes Eric’s side and urges Sookie to consider his offer because Eric ‘pulls good string”. Oh, I bet he does.
Sookie goes to Bill for help and finds out that not only is he the King of Louisiana, but he’s also having a great time and banging random members of his staff. To top it off, he can’t help her with her Eric problem. Some King he is. “How did you become King anyway?” Sookie asks him, prompting a flashback to 1980s London. A spikey-haired, leather jacket wearing Bill is rampaging the punk scene and preying on his fellow headbangers when he is approached by future head of the American Vampire League, Nan Flanagan. She notices that he does not kill his prey and is impressed by his control. Nan invites him to join her as a spy in the fight to go mainstream. Another flashback shows us Bill’s full ascension to power when he turned the former Vampire Queen Sophie-Ann in to the AVL. Before crowning Bill the new king Nan questions him about Sookie and warns him that if he lies he could suffer a similar fate to the Queen, aka be ‘sploded into a million bloody pieces. Bill tells her that Sookie is of no value, a lie that will no doubt come back to bite him.
Sam hits on his new shapeshifter friend, the exotic Luna (aka the New Girl) but gets shut down. Later Luna apologizes to Sam and vows to try and open up to him. Luna confesses that she is a Navajo ‘Skinwalker’ and can turn into other people. It’s a skill acquired when a shifter kills a member of their own family and Luna confesses to once having shifted into her mother who died in childbirth. This is perfect for Sam since he seems to love girls with baggage. First there was Sookie, then Tara, then that weird deer-girl… When is he going to learn that girls can be a combination of hot, smart or sane but can never be all three at once? Meanwhile his brother Tommy has been faking his injury and is jealous of Sam’s new friends. The two promise to spend more time together and learn to trust each other. Aw, bros for life! Although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Sam feels like shooting him. Again.
Jessica and Hoyt have their own problems when Hoyt gets beaten up by some anti-Vampire protestors. With cellphones capturing her every move, Jessica can only watch because as Pam sulkily points out, “technology’s taken all the fun out of being a vampire”. Later when Jessica offers to heal Hoyt with her blood, he waves her off saying that he doesn’t need ‘that shit’. Whoa, buddy. He might as well have said that yes, those jeans do make her look fat. Enraged, Jessica to go to Fangtasia and picks up a random fang-banger. While feeding in the bathroom Jessica is confronted by Sookie but doesn’t want to hear any advice from someone who “broke Bill’s heart”. Bill, who is now living it up in his mansion, banging/feeding on hot chicks all the time. Oh, so that’s what heartbroken looks like.
Arlene is still convinced that her baby Mikey is rotten to the core on account of his father being a serial killer. He does have very black eyes and a weird little Cajun-looking nose after all. Sookie coos that Mikey is an ‘old soul’ which causes Arlene to go apeshit.
“He’s new, he’s brand fucking new, alright?” Terry and Sookie looked shocked, but that’s exactly what I say when I meet any baby.
Poor, dumb Jason has been captured by the hillbillies and finds out that his own tweaked out girlfriend Krystal is behind it. Since her panther boyfriend Felton has been shooting blanks and she wants to ‘propagate the bloodline’ (anyone else surprised that she knows such big words?), Crystal unveils her plan to turn Jason into a were-panther and then have him knock her up. I hope she succeeds because that would make for some amazing baby-mama drama that would rival any episode of Maury. Plus there just doesn’t seem to be enough female on male rape happening on TV these days, am I right? “Just try to relax.” she tells Jason right before she tears into his ribcage, “It’ll only hurt in the beginning.”
Meanwhile King Bill sends Eric to pay a visit to the coven to put a stop to their necromancy practices reasoning that “If they can control the dead they can control us.” Eric tries to strong-arm the moon-faced coven leader Marnie (Petunia Dursley!) into disbanding the coven, but instead Marnie goes all Exorcist on him and is possessed by an incantation-uttering demon. Eric flees the coven and is later found by Sookie wandering down the road, shirtless (luckily) and bewildered. Not only is Eric all out of sexy pouts and quips, but he stares blankly at Sookie. “Who are you?… And why do you smell so good?”
Why does Eric have amnesia? Will Crystal successfully turn and rape Jason? Will Hoyt find out about Jessica’s unfaithfulness? Cue the organ music and tune in next week to ‘As the World Turns’!
Sigh. The only thing that really sucks about True Blood is having to wait between episodes.