Castle Vacancy: Mario World 1-1

Toadstool, I know you're holding out on me!
Toadstool, I know you're holding out on me!

So What Other Castle is the Princess Actually in Anyway?

10. Lego Castle: And who wouldn’t? I mean, face it, Mario, your castle is diminutive and two-dimensional. If she hadn’t bolted, princess would be Princess Hunchback. Lego is 3-D, opposable hand-cups, and you get to choose any assortment of hats you want. Movin’ up!

9. Castle Rock Entertainment: Mario, just because the princess is gone, doesn’t mean she’s not fighting for you. In this case, the other castle is Castle Rock Entertainment and she’s been negotiating for hours in an attempt to recall Super Mario Brothers the movie. Sadly, having been tied up in a dungeon most of her life, she doesn’t realize it was Hollywood Pictures that produced that piece of shit.

8. Castle Rock, Antarctica: Though you might think it unlikely, the other castle could very well be Castle Rock, Antarctica, a giant slab of rock near Hut Point. Now, granted, she’d be freezing her nips off out there, (that dress may be voluminous, but it ain’t no woollen sweater) but if you think about it, basically 100% of Bowser’s castles were lava-based and odds are a little ice and snow would be a relief.

7. Vincent Cassel: French actor Vincent Cassel has shown a wide breadth in his work, playing everything from “Kirill” in Eastern Promises to “Duc d’Anjou” in Elizabeth. Why princess would run off with him is anyone’s guess, but if that means Mario gets Cassel’s wife – Monica Bellucci – our plumber friend might be getting a mushroom in his pants right about now.

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6. Castle the TV Show: Let’s face it, Mario, you’re going to have to rescue faster. Making out with Frenchmen is one thing, but if the princess spends too much time here she’s likely meat for the serial killer Nathan Fillion is tracking. Since the “castle” she’s in could also refer to his character Richard Castle, you might want to just read between the lines and realize they are screwing, cuckold.

5. Castle on a Chess Board: Also called a “rook,” this seems like an odd other castle to be in. That is, until you realize mate in three moves: bishop H4 to E7, pawn D5 to D6, princess F1 to F8. Checkmate, motherfucker.

4. Dark Castle: Or maybe the Return to Dark Castle castle. In black and white the princess might look more like a carpet than a woman, but if she can avoid the guards, leap the pits, chuck rocks at snakes, avoid the weird things that go “nyah-na nyah-na nyah-na,” and bludgeon a dozen dungeon masters to death like Zangief at a D&D convention, she might not be brutally ravaged by the time Mario saunters up to the gate.

3. Castle on a Cloud: It is highly doubtful that the princess is in young Cosette of Les Misérablesactual castle on a cloud. It is, after all, an idealized version of heaven based upon a life of sweeping floors and not a physical manifestation. It sounds more like something an insane, raving princess would invent to stave off madness in the dark bowels of Bowser’s shittiest castle. Just turn around and head back through the level, M.

2. White Castle: Bitch has got a case of the mad munchies.

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1. Castlevania: A-ha! Mario should have known it all along. The most likely other castle of all was the haunted castle of that adulterous wanker Simon Belmont, hero of the game Castlevania. I mean, it’s not like Simon was rewarded with a harem of babes for killing Dracula. Guy has gotta be pretty pissed he whipped all those candles only to find the princess was in another god damn game altogether. If Mario can’t defend his girl from inter-SNES relations, well, then I say back to working his own plumbing for him.

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