The Democratic National Convention is in full swing. The masses that both Will Conway and Frank Underwood so detest cheer and jeer in a frenzied state. But what would these Dems think if the they knew the whole celebration was but a ruse? A tool at the disposal of those who wish to create a sense of transparency, all the while the real powers that be are in full control of the outcome — or are they?
The men and women behind the curtain are begging the peasants of the world to not mind them one bit; however, there are some who find themselves stabbed through the very cloth they once thought was their secret hiding place.
An Attractive Fiction
The DNC at 11am is getting more views that Ellen. ELLEN! The most affable woman of all time who dances over tables and reminded America how to be nice! The Conways are super pissed because they’ve been like, you know, trying harder than Kim Kardashian to get their selfies and videos into the public sphere.
Up to this point, we’ve seen Will Conway as a happy, yet serious, family man who’s calculated rise to power has been executed with a cool and collected demeanor. But this shit, it’s too much and he loses his temper like a little kid. “They’re stealing our thunder!” he boo-hoos in his kitchen, and his beloved wife Hannah has a clever idea, “Then go where the thunder is.”
“I’m here in Atlanta where it’s muggier than a street hooker’s twat.” —Frank “Ew” Underwood
A different kind of storm is brewing in Atlanta. The first of what is to become many nominations for Claire Underwood for Vice President comes from the Senator from Kentucky. Known for their fried chicken, and now for their easily bribed Senators, the Bourbon State starts the landslide of votes for the First Lady, erm, I’m sorry, the former Ambassador. Aided by Donald Blythe’s “off the record” but like kind of on-the-record-enough statement Durant did abso-fucking-luetly nothing in Brandenburg and it was all Claire and her head-a-tete with Petrov, as well as Leann giving Texas like 2 mill, and we got ourselves a good ol’fashioned showdown.
“You have nothing to worry about Cathy, honestly.” — Claire “Not So Honest” Underwood
Catherine is obviously like, WTF?, and Claire just laughs it off like, “Oh, you know, Kentuckites. So funny.” But Claire and Frank need to move fast to be able to Cathy on their side so she doesn’t betray them. Frank uses a skilled hand to crochet a perfectly constructed safety net where he has makes it seem like it’s Cathy’s idea to support Claire if it comes to that. You know, cause she’ll have her job as Secretary of State if she doesn’t get the VP nod, right? NOPE. Claire’s promised it to some other dope who’ll give her his votes if she gets the gig.
All In Good Fun
Tom Yates just started his job as speechwriter for Claire and Frank and promptly tells the other writers that they suck—hard. He’s already onto the whole Claire-As-VP plan and is preparing to help her write the speech of a lifetime.
“Do you want it to be good, or do you want it to be yours?” —Tom “Sleeps Sitting Up” Yates
Seth’s shaking in his little booties after he can’t find any dirt on Leann. Obviously he doesn’t want Doug to suffocate him with a tumbler again, so he tells Leann that Doug wants her out of the picture because she’s a threat to Doug’s creepy sense of obligation and allegiance to the King and Queen of the Wood Under. Seth’s like, “Pretty please just give me something so he doesn’t whack me, please?”
Doug’s got more than that ugly, stupid, rotten Leann on his mind. He’s racked with guilt over killing the man who was at the top of the donor list for the liver transplant that went to Frank—and like he kinda should be. He goes to the Anthony Moretti memorial website and stares at the man’s pretty widow.
Doug’s got some real issues when it comes to good-looking brunettes in trouble and I can’t imagine how this is going to end well because last time it involved a windowless van and a hole in the desert.
Dicks and Nixon
“One man’s tragedy is another man’s treasure.” — Frank “Freudian Slip” Underwood
Conway’s in Atlanta with his running mate, the General. They’re all like, “TERRORISTS!” and Frank’s like, “Alright, alright already, let’s talk.”
Will and Frank sit down face-to-face for the first time. Their chat is almost friendly. They share a similar dark sense of humour and Frank almost chokes to death over Will’s dick sucking joke.
They play a game on Will’s phone, Agario, which serves as a not so subtle metaphor for politics: all the small dots must eat the smaller dots and make sure not to be consumed by the largest blobs. The people you collect and the dots your dots eat. The ham sammies and Frank taking off his shoes to rub his barking dogs. Too many literary devices to keep track of –and then Will’s device goes off and he takes a call in the bathroom.
Frank goes full Dicky Tricky, and after trying to listen through the door he calls Leann to get her computer genius to tap into the call. She’s like, “UH…NO” and even though he wasn’t able to use it this time, the slippery slope of surveillance turns unceremoniously into a veritable Slip ‘N Slide for the POTUS.
Will comes out of the lavatory with cheeky expression, but he hasn’t had his dump yet. He and Frank watch the representative from Louisiana change the game. He puts all his votes towards Catherine Durant at President of the United States—not previously up for discussion, effectively opening up the position for a vote. When pressed by the lady at the podium to play by the rules, the Slugger State also puts all its votes towards Cathy for VP.
“Your phone call.” Frank growls at the young Will. “She called me.” answers Will. Frank’s underestimated the Conservative Conway, and he just might be more than home videos and tall stature.
Catherine is not taking any phone calls at this time.
Out of the Oval
Handjob – All politician’s speak with emphasized hand gestures to underscore their points, but does anyone else think Will Conway’s weird fist shake is a little too rehearsed? Like, “Don’t point that thing with me.”
Winning With Dignity – Frank doesn’t just see Will Conway as a political threat, he sees him as a mortal one. With “The Facebook” and “The Twitter” and all his fancy bells and whistles. Frank and Will’s conflict is generational.
It’s utterly laughable that Frank accuses Will of not being dignified by sharing videos of his kids on social media. Given that like, in order to become the President Frank pushed his ex-lover in front of a metro car… amongst other things.