“The Broken Windows Theory” states that in order to prevent more serious crime, infractions such as vandalism, public drinking, and toll jumping need to be monitored and punished in order to create an atmosphere of lawfulness. This is a theory Piscatella embodies and believes in, and the big titty graffiti on the walls at Litchfield – just will not do.
In “We’ll Always Have Baltimore” it seems we’re seeing how the women inmates at Litchfield are being punished in the small, yet significant ways.
“This is worse than Disneyland.” — Angie Rice
One could have guessed that prison would be worse than the happy-go-lucky theme park, even if the off-brand version with Milton Mouse. But the fact that that maxi pads are considered inessentials items, and a box of tampons from the commissary is the equivalent of 100 hours of work just seems cruel.
Whilst the women of Litchfield attempt to plug their lady holes in the most ingenious ways they can figure, Linda From Purchasing takes Caputo to the very first CorrectiCon immersive conference in which there are a plethora of stun guns, electrified fences, and swag. All the while when the prison is out of maxi pads and the women are forced to either use toilet paper clumps, sleep masks, or cough syrup cups, Caputo and Linda From Purchasing walk right past the environmentally friendly and cost effective Diva Cup booth.
The conference includes a talk from some kind of Inmate Whisperer guy named Kip who talks about making the lives of the incarcerated feel full. Caputo talks about wanting this for those at Litchfield (as long as it fits in the budget adds Linda) but what about their full uteruses?
Speaking of fulfillment, Taystee tries to guess Caputo’s password and hits the jackpot with sideboobrulez. She Googles the names of her friends, and with names like “Poussey Washington” there are some pornographic results. She sees just how terrible Caputo’s band is and hamsters eating burritos. At least they’re full.
Disturbing The Peace
Suzanne and Morello are literally running around the prison looking for shit. As the self-appointed poop detectives, they’re dead set on finding whomever keeps dropping deuces in the shower. Deduction and attention to detail is key in this mission: Suzanne knows it’s from the same person because of, “heft, density, hue”, they know it can’t be an old person because they would be unable to squat, and suspect #1 is Suzanne’s ex-gal Maureen who could very well be exacting her revenge as the jilted ex-lover.
Danny Pearson is back and is attempting to enact his own revenge of sorts. As you might recall, he is the former Director of Human Activity at Litchfield, and son to the MCC Executive. Danny took the high road and quit his position when Burset was unjustly sent down to the SHU. Now he’s crashing CorrectiCon ready to tell his truth and spread the word: dannytalkstruth.com. Caputo tries to stop him and ends up assaulting a guard. Linda From Purchasing “arrests” him for Chivalry In the First Degree and he goes down on her in a supply closet.
“The head toss is like two clicks away from a blowie.” — Maritza Ramos
Maritza Ramos knows something about a scam, that was back when she was Yess-ica (“Jessica, but like ethnic”). Beginning with a vodka bottle rip off, she gets commissioned into a scam at fancy Ferrari dealership in order get middle-aged men’s credit card numbers. She used her feminine ways and charming demeanor to dupe them, but that being said, she did end up in prison.
So she’ll continue to use her savvy behind bars: Ruiz needs to find a way to get the panties out on the streets and Maritza comes to the rescue. When she drives the new guard to their cabins in the woods, she’ll convince the one male guard to go in and drink morning Jaeger and egg shots with the off guard CO’s while her cousin takes the panty pouch from under the undercarriage of the car. There’s a wrench thrown into her plans when the dude who she needs to convince is in fact, a woman— CO McCullough. Maritza thinks on her feet and uses a different aspect of her female form and asks her for a tampon.
Her cousin almost gets away with grabbing the panty load but Humphrey catches him. Maritza and her accomplice converse in Spanish and convince the guards that he is a gardener, just merely confused about what date he is supposed to be there.
But Humphrey speaks Spanish, although he doesn’t let on in that particular moment, “You’re smarter than you look, pretty girl,” his subtitles read.
“I will never find you adorable. Keep that in mind.” — Piscatella
Piper goes to Piscatella and outs her panty competition under the guise that she is just trying to ensure the prison is safe from the “cluster of girls in slipper socks.” This is alarming the stringent Piscatella, fearful of a gang in it’s infancy and he is appreciative of Piper’s help; but, as a gay man, he won’t be dazzled by her big eyes and flirty demeanor.
Piscatella proceeds to employ racial profiling in order to suss out who might or might not be part of this panty brigade. With jokes like, “How do you know when an inmates lying?” asks McCullough “She opens her mouth” it’s obvious new CO’s have little if no respect for the women in the prison.
Mendoza is thrown against a wall by one of these fucks Dixon, McCullough, and Humphrey. She’s subject to a cavity search because as Humphrey so delicately puts it, “With an ass that big she must be hiding something.” When Mendoza goes Piscatella to complain, she’s met with indifference and disdain.
Piper goes gangster to girl guide with her special safety task force. However, she’s accidently started a white power group. The chant, “White Lives Matter” drown out any—if there were any to begin with—good intentions Piper had for this safety group.
Of course Piper would accidently start a White Supremacy Group.
Out In The Yard
The punny titles for the CorrectiCon conference lectures killed me. Best one, “Shanks For the Memories: A History of Prison Weapons.”
Why do some men insist on showing their junk to other men? I just don’t understand it, and it makes Dixon even the more disgusting when he pulls that Coors Light trick. Also, is that his penis and one ball or is just both balls?
I really hope Aleida is able to make it in the outside. It’s adorable that Soso is trying to help her figure out the math problem, but it was, like for Aleida all Greek to me.
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