Finale?! WHAT?! Why did no one tell me this season was only 12 episodes long? Oh, I’m supposed to know that because I’m the reviewer? Oh, I see how that works now. On Sunday night, True Blood ended its fourth season with a bang… or a wet fart, depending on who you ask. It seems Alan Ball chose to dangle plot promises for next season in front of our faces instead of making the end of this one any good. He kind of does this every year but I keep forgiving him for some reason. Damn you, Ball!

‘And When I Die‘ kicks off with Lafayette and Jesus having breakfast while discussing the crazy events of the previous evening. Jesus apologizes for dragging Lafayette into the whole magic thing and promises to be done with spirits and witches if that’s what Lafayette wants. Little does Jesus know that Lafayette was actually possessed by Marnie’s spirit the night before. He finds out soon enough when he goes in for a kiss and gets stabbed with a fork instead. I hate it when that happens.

Sookie is puttering around her kitchen when she sees her grandmother’s bloody corpse on the floor. Sookie blinks and the vision disappears, but she tells Tara that she feels her presence and has been thinking about her ever since Marnie channeled Gran and warned Sookie about giving her heart to Eric.

Sam lays his brother Tommy to rest in the graveyard when Mrs. Fortinberry shows up to pay her respects. Sam apologizes for his brother’s behaviour towards her. “Nobody taught Tommy how to love someone without hurting them.” Mrs. Fortinberry tells Sam that they are family now and that he should call her ‘momma’. I’ll call her anything she wants for a taste of her famous porkrind casserole.

Marnie has Jesus tied up and not in the sexy kind of way. Jesus tries to reason with Marnie and communicate with Lafayette, but to no avail. I don’t like watching Lafayette be somebody else. He’s not very good at it and he doesn’t swear nearly as much. Marnie threatens to harm Lafayette’s body unless Jesus gives her his Brujo powers. “You can’t trade magic like fucking Pokemon cards!” Apparently you can, because Marnie forces him to utter incantations in Spanish then proceeds to stab him and steal his magic. Up until that point I would have been sad to Jesus go, but since his acting got worse as his character’s plot escalated it’s probably for the best.

It’s Halloween (aka Samhain for all the Wiccans out there) and everyone at Merlotte’s is in the spirit. Sookie comes to offer her condolences to Sam and ends up with her job back, since it was Tommy who fired her in the first place. Sam gives her a pair of bunny ears which she wears begrudgingly. “Nobody likes an angry bunny.” he informs her. No, but everybody likes an angry pirate. Guess he’s fresh out of eye patches.

Terry’s ex-marine buddy (played by Scott Foley, NOT Scott Speedman. Did you know that they are two different people?!) shows up at Merlotte’s to say hello. He had a weird look on his face when Terry introduced Arlene as his wife. Was it surprise? Joy? Or perhaps… disappointment? There was that telling neck grab that could almost be a caress… was Terry taking advantage of that ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy? Can’t say I blame him. I’d check out Scott Speedman’s Foley’s fox hole too if given the chance. Later that night, Arlene is visited by the spirit of Renee, her serial killer ex-boyfriend. He warns her about the ghosts of Terry’s past and says she can’t run from them forever. I KNEW IT. HE’S TOTALLY GAY!

Alcide stops by the bar to tell Sookie that it’s over between him and Debbie, “Remember when you said if you were smart you would have fallen in love with someone like me?” Sookie tells him she’s sorry, but she can’t choose who she loves. Awwww… poor Sookie, another guy is in love with her. Alcide is disappointed but takes off after he receives a mysterious phone call.

When Tara stops by Lafayette’s house and finds Jesus’ bloody corpse inside, she rushes over to Merlotte’s to find Sookie and Holly. Somehow she knows that Marnie is behind all this. Because it’s not like there are a MILLION OTHER WAYS for a person to die in Bon Temps. Sookie gets worried when she can’t locate Eric so the three of them stop by Bill’s house, but it looks like Marnie beat them there and is about to burn Bill and Eric at the stake. Of course Marnie makes the classic bad-guy mistake of explaining her plan and while she pontificates, Holly casts her own spell. She, Sookie and Tara call upon their ancestors, which causes Antonia, Sookie’s Gran and a host of other spirits to appear. Antonia puts out the fire while Gran pulls Marnie’s spirit from Lafayette’s body. Marnie gives yet another ‘I used to be weak and now I’m powerful’ speech (yawn) but finally gives in when Antonia points out that vampires have to live on earth forever and that’s punishment enough. THAT’S ALL IT TOOK?! WHY DIDN’T THEY SAY THAT TO HER BEFORE?! Marnie begrudgingly accepts her fate (“This fucking sucks!”) and she disappears quietly along with the other spirits.

Jason finally grows a pair and tells Hoyt about him and Jessica, and Hoyt punches him in the face a few times. Later, Jessica stops by Jason’s place for booty call and tells him that she doesn’t want a relationship right now. After a little wham bam thank you ma’am (people still say that, right?) in a role reversal that Jason’s not used to, Jess gets up to leave. She assures him that it’s only because she’s hungry and she’s not ready to drink his blood yet because that’s ‘too intimate’. “So you’re gonna drink a stranger’s blood? I get it. It’s king of like a hooker with kissing.” Not long after Jessica takes off, Jason answers the door to find Reverend Newlin who has been missing the last few months and is now a vampire. Sweet.

Bill and Eric heal themselves by drinking Sookie’s blood. When they’re done, it’s time for ‘the talk’. Eric points out that Bill has given them his blessing and he already blew his chance when he lied to her. Sookie says they all lied to each other and as much as she loves Eric, their time together is over. Bill tells her she’s the love of his life and she pulls a Han Solo: “I know. That’s what makes this harder.” Sookie chooses neither of them and she walks away.

Poor, guilt-ridden Lafayette is visited by the spirit of Jesus who tells him it’s not his fault. Besides, “everything is temporary” (ooh, cryptic) and that he probably would have died of cancer anyways. Way to find that silver lining. Jesus promises that he’ll always be with Lafayette because, “Dude, I’m dead. You’re a medium.”

Andy Bellefleur brings Holly flowers and apologizes about their last date. He confesses that he was on V at the time. “Now I’m sober, I’m lonely and I could be good to someone.” She gives him a hug. Odd that the whole ‘sober and lonely’ line isn’t being used by everyone. Yet.

Alcide’s mysterious call leads him to discover that a giant hole has been ripped in the concrete in a parking garage he must have worked on. Which can only mean that next season, Russell Edgington is back! WOO HOO!

Nan Flanagan, accompanied by armed guards, makes an offer to Bill and Eric. She’s quit the American Vampire League and the Authority and plans to go rogue. She tells them that there’s a death sentence on their heads and she’ll likely be next. Bill and Eric aren’t interested in joining her so she threatens Sookie as leverage, claiming to have known she was a fairy the whole time. Bill and Eric try to act nonchalant but she calls their bluff. “I saw the way you both looked at her. Like puppy dogs slobbering over the same juicy bone.” In the blink of an eye, Eric slaughters here guards and Bill stabs her to death with silver. “We are no fucking puppy dogs,” Bill spits out. Yeesh, okay we get it.

Sookie returns home in search of Tara but instead she finds herself on the wrong end of a shotgun being held by crazy Debbie. “I should have done this a long time ago.” says Debbie. Tara walks in and Debbie fires, but Tara takes the bullet for her. Sookie grabs the gun and shoots Debbie in the face (fuck yeah!) but it looks like it might be too late to save Tara.

Is Tara dead? A better question might be, ‘does anyone care?’ She was pretty useless this season. Every season, really. I say either make her a raging lesbian again or kill her off.

And so another entertaining, exciting and frustrating season of True Blood comes to a close. As usual I’m left swearing that I won’t come back for the next one, but you know I will. Until next year, fang in there.

See what I did there?