Reggie Fils-Aime descended from his throne on Choco Mountain to deliver yesterday’s Nintendo Direct, and while new game announcements are cool and all, the big news is that eleven new amiibo will be available before the end of February. The next batch includes perennial favorites like Sonic, Mega Man, and Bowser (with Charizard, Wario, and Ness expected a few months later), further adding to the ranks of the highly profitable toy line that is currently not available at your local retailer. (Sorry. They’re sold out.)
While fans are naturally excited, to me amiibo is beginning to look a lot like the Usual Suspects. Nintendo still has a ways to go before it fills out the entire Smash Bros. roster and I won’t pretend to be surprised when Nintendo unveils plastic Ganondorf.
So in the spirit of finding characters that would be genuinely shocking, here’s a not-at-all-but-sorta serious wish list for amiibo that haven’t been made yet that we’d really, really like to see. There may be some thorny questions about licensing, but these are all characters that once appeared in a franchise (mostly) exclusive to a Nintendo console, so as far as I’m concerned they fit the bill.
Nintendo might make a Bayonetta amiibo if she steals Solid Snake’s spot in Smash Bros., but I’m pretty sure Toad’s spotted head would explode if he were ever exposed to Bayonetta’s pole-dance fu. (The spores would get all over everything.)
Then again, that dissonance is also what would make the Bayonetta amiibo amazing. Bayonetta is a unique character that shatters the asexual vibe that normally permeates the Mushroom Kingdom. Nintendo already put Princess Peach in a cat suit. Bayonetta’s really not that much of a stretch.
Conker may look like the other cuddly mascots currently populating Nintendo’s shelves, but he certainly doesn’t act like one. Introducing anything from the scatological Conker’s Bad Fur Day in such a benign package would stun all of the parents who thought they were buying safe birthday presents for their children.
In fact, Nintendo should probably make an entire line of Bad Fur Day amiibos while it’s at it. Kids would go nuts to get their hands on the Great Mighty Poo. Stock that shit next to Sonic and see which one runs faster. I promise it’ll be big. I can feel a movement.
From volcanic blood spray to regular implied masturbation, No More Heroes has absolutely nothing that you’d expect from a traditional Nintendo franchise (aside from the color palette). But aspiring assassin and noted toy collector Travis Touchdown is the kind of person who would purchase his own amiibo if given the chance and I see no reason not to enable that particular brand of narcissism. Basically, Travis is the meta option. He seems like he’d get a kick out of hanging out with so many of his idols.
Mike Tyson now exists in cartoon form, so Mario would get along just fine with the mystery-solving boxer and his fleet of carrier pigeons. Or at least he would, until the old Mike Tyson shows up and tries to bite Little Mac’s ear off halfway through a round of Smash Bros.
Unfortunately, that’s also where things start getting awkward, which is why the Mike Tyson amiibo is never, ever going to happen. It’s for the best. There’s nothing fun or funny about Mike Tyson’s history of violence outside the ring and lining him up next to Mario, Peach, or Bowser would be jarring for all the wrong reasons. He doesn’t deserve the honor. But Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out was a real video game, so this is a reminder that its title character would by default be the most shocking Nintendo sprite that could theoretically get the amiibo treatment.
Now let’s end the list with someone a little less horrific.
Though better known for his film career, Jason Voorhees was still the villain in the NES adaptation of Friday the 13th and the classic horror monster is no less iconic than Mario. A Jason Voorhees amiibo would be like introducing a serial killer to the credit sequence of Too Many Cooks (or maybe like letting him loose at a convention for college football mascots). If Nintendo wants to win the Internet – or just make a whole lot of money – then it should start making Jason amiibos tomorrow. If amiibo has taught us anything, there’s nothing fans love more than a winking crossover cast in plastic.