Meanwhile, in the world of Starcraft, recent elections to replace Arcturus Mengsk have already yielded some pretty strange promises from the campaign trail. Both candidates are now staggering as interstellar populaces search for a third party candidate who can better take care of them in a galaxy almost assuredly bent on their gruesome deaths. Collected below are some of the ideas being thrown around by the candidates, and while some remain very popular, all are most definitely absurd.
10. Domesticate Zerglings: From the ‘out there’ file, a promise that was slipped into the end of a speech and then hastily withdrawn has Terrans everywhere baffled. Why anyone would want to enforce a rule allowing the domesticating of zerglings as pets is beyond stupid. In addition to the fact that they can claw a human face when they hit the age of two seconds old, and the fact they smell like wet guts and are hard to train, zerglings offer neither the stoic companionship of cats nor the loyal adoration of dogs. In retracting the statement, a representative for the candidate stated he had been neural parasited at the time he gave the speech. Why it’s absurd: Oh, sure, they’re cute now, but that’s how they get’cha – plus you’ll have to buy an Overlord too just to feed the damn things.
9. Build a Large Barracks at the Entrance to Your Driveway: Families complaining about getting attacked in their homes got solid backing as one candidate proposed to build a barracks at the edge of every driveway, basically blocking off unwanted entrance into domiciles. The worried mother simply has to press a red button by her doorway and the whole barracks lifts effortlessly off the ground, allowing children heading to and from school through the perimeter. However, at 150 minerals a pop, pundits are claiming such a bold move is impossibly expensive. “Sure, we all want a barracks of our own to protect our families. But where is that in the budget?” said backbencher Milo Kachinsky. That said, Milo Kachinsky is using a factory to block off his driveway in Beverly Hills, the jackass. Why it’s absurd: Studies report a 250% increase in youth getting juiced on stimpacks wherever barracks are erected.
8. The Queen of Blades for VP: In a brave attempt to capture the Zerg vote, a third party candidate claimed that if elected he would ensure the Queen of Blades would be given the position of Vice President, adding something about ‘erotic fantasies.’ Why it’s absurd: This particular candidate was unsurprisingly killed by Zerg.
7. Chrono Boost in Every Home: The proposal to put the chrono boost ability the Protoss use so well in every home in the Terran systems was met with keen interest, especially by the lazy. Unfortunately, we have no idea how their technology works at all. Why it’s absurd: In addition, there are big-time addiction issues. “Hey, Mom, want some milk?” CHRONO-POUR! “Dad, can you fix my bicycle?” CHRONO-MONKEYWRENCH! “Boy, I’m tired, honey. Let’s order Chinese.” CHRONO-MSG! “Mommy, I’m going to play Super Nintendo.” CHRONO TRIGGER! It may sound awesome, but you can’t play Chrono Trigger super fast, you have to savour it!
6. Fit All SCVs with Firearms as is Their Right in the Terran Constitution: A common promise has come as a response to increasing agitation from SCV drivers concerning their right to carry pistols and shotguns while harvesting minerals or vespene gas. According to the Terran constitution, a document so old it makes Zeratul look like a mewling babe, the military must provide them such protection. Opponents do not see why giant metal claws are not enough to protect oneself and blame SCV drivers’ being marine dropouts for their inability to fight worth a damn – thus justifying their menial position within the Terran hierarchy. Of course, Zerg and Protoss attacks easily penetrate their metal chassis, so the question also remains of what use pistols will be when you have to open your whole front compartment just to fire out. Why it’s absurd: Cowardice will no doubt override resource collection if probed by annoying zerglings, leaving bases high and dry in any event. Armed SCV drivers will also be more likely mouth off to Marauders, leaving them mostly exploded.
5. Whatever Problem we Face Our Solution Will be to Rush: Let’s face it. Rushing gets things done faster, meaning you have more time for whatever else you want to rush at or into – and this promise really connected with the time-crunched middle class who were tired of being out-rushed by Zerg. The idea was to rush 100% of the time, without fail, throwing 100% of your resources at a problem. Resulting, say, car accidents may occur for government workers, but not to fear, medivacs would be rushing to the scene of the accident and medics rushing you through haphazard surgery prep, spraying you with ‘life-chemicals’ more hastily than before. Why it’s absurd: If the Zerg catch on and institute a similar policy, and rush their rushes, mankind will be rushing to the morgue. Also, hasn’t anyone read The Hare and the Baneling?
4. Introduce a Third Type of Mineral to Stabilize Economy: Of all the promises, this one seems the best on the surface and is indeed intriguing. One candidate asked why we don’t simply investigate finding another substance to use as a resource so we don’t keep exhaustively burning through every damn mineral deposit and vespene geyser we find. Like we don’t have enough problem finding oxygen already! The problem lies in the resources suggested in support of the argument. “Water,” “Lichen,” and “Lego Bricks” were all shouted down during a press conference as being “useless versus dangerous aliens” and “not practical method for building Thors.” One Lichen-built Banshee was dropped into orbit of Char during the initial campaign as a test run, but it dropped through the atmosphere to splatter on the ground in a deluge of falling clumps of lichen. Apparently there is a nice orchard there now. Why it’s absurd: Big business follows a ‘James Dean’ approach to sustainability. I see no reason why if it has worked in the past it won’t work forever.
3. Bring Back Yamato Cannon Arena Competitions on TTV: The promise to bring back Yamato Cannon Arena Competitions on the Terran Television Network was met with stern disapproval across the confederacy. The idea of pitting two mighty Battlecruisers against one another and having them charge Yamato Cannons while facing each other was considered barbaric by rights activists and a waste of precious resources better used for the war effort by rationalists. Why it’s absurd: Everybody watching dies.
2. Expand (Your Mind): Another popular campaign promise was the push to expand – both by flying Command Centers to nearby resources deposits and by taking mind-expanding drugs to deal with the inevitable death by Zerg which comes upon spending all your resources expanding and not training soldiers. While this was mostly an online movement supported by teenagers and stay-at-home conscientious objectors, it hit really hard before coming down long and slow. Why it’s absurd: “Dude, are those Ultralisks?” “Ha-ha, those tusk are huuuuge!”
1. Exist More Uniquely From Warhammer 40K: The most absurd campaign promise of all is one that both candidates endorse but neither can do anything about – that of living in a world wherein most details have been stolen from another universe completely, that of Warhammer 40K, likely by way of wormhole. In the end there is nothing Terrans can do to separate their marines from Space Marines, Siege Tanks from the Leman Russ, and Goliaths from Titans. Nor the Zerg from Tyranids and all the rest, so the very point is moot, yet people keep debating it. In a phone call, besmirched director James Cameron said, “Fuck all y’all,” before being punched unconscious by someone who we can only assume was Robert A. Heinlein. Why it’s absurd: Changing your entire universe and its history is definitely a two-term job.